No Honey, Death Isn't the End
by Rekkuza1
Summary: It's okay, Anko, dear, you killed your big bad demon. Now, just allow yourself to wither, like straws against the wind. Companion fic to "Yes, Darling, Kiss Satan Like You Did Me"
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Naruto, nor did I write this story for commercial purposes. This statement applies to all other chapters of this FanFiction.

* * *

He died, and I was the one who killed him.

Not only was I the cause of his death, but was the one who killed him with my bare hands.

And the worst part was, I had every good reason NOT to take his life.

He was the one who was kind enough to adopt me when I was orphaned.

He taught me everything I knew, even the technique that meant his death.

He was the one who loved and cared for me, when no one else bothered to acknowledge a mere orphan.

He was who one who gave me my first kiss.

And he must have loved me until the last wisp of breath escaped from his lips.

* * *

"_I love you, Anko, and I would do anything for you."_

Those words struck me as a mere… _pebble_ thrown at an ogre- ineffective, futile, because I was foolish and never bothered to truly comprehend what his words meant.

And he realized that, of course, because he had the uncanny ability to read me like a comic book- an ability that angered me to no end, as there was no point in hiding my feelings and desires from him like I did around everyone else. Naturally, he knew my way of thinking, and thought it was unrealistic, downright childish, and often sneered at my naïvety.

Even though I tried to censor my flaws from others, I failed gravely from him.

Oh yes, foolish I was, but that did not stop him from loving me.

And yet after everything he did, I failed to take note of his love when I pierced his heart, the very heart that beat solely for me.

_But, death shouldn't have been the fate of something that I failed to comprehend._

And it was too late then for me to realize that fact…

* * *

My thoughts were soon drowned by happy screams and suffocating embraces from the fellow ninjas.

"_You killed him!_"

Yes I did, but I believed the only reason he got killed was because it was _I_ wanted him slain. He wouldn't have given in if someone else tried to attack.

I fought off the pats and embraces vigorously, and ran away as quickly as my injured legs could manage, leaving questioned murmurs behind me. The stabbing pain on my thigh where a kunai penetrated was aching more than ever, but that could not even be close to compare with the fresh wound in my heart.

* * *

His funeral was today.

If you could call it a funeral that is.

I was the only one attending, with the exception of the Hokage to give the least possible amount of respect from the village. I tried to bottle my feelings inside, as they carried the large coffin to its final resting place.

I kindly requested them to bury Orochimaru in the Forest of Death, where we shared a rather… interesting experience.

I knelt down in front of his grave, trying to fight off the emotions that were swimming in my head and drowning all that was sane in me.

Oh how I wanted to run up to him, and shriek, and cry, and scream out his name. But I knew that sort of childish behaviour would have landed his disapproving chuckles if he were still alive. He would have wanted me to feel satisfied for what he had done for me, and I wanted to do whatever I knew would have pleased him.

Instead, I placed my hands on the newly cut tombstone; the coldness of the marble reminded me of his cheeks that would wrinkle cutely whenever he smiled. How I missed those smiles that would have only been directed towards me.

My fingertips felt a slight sting as they traced over the fresh razor edges that framed Orochimaru's name, dates, and other information that would be useless to the village of Konoha from now on. Everyone else preferred celebrating his death over kneeling in front of his grave to read them.

* * *

"_Orochimaru_…" it reads, as my eyes scan the first row, underneath the intricately carved image of a snake, bearing its fangs threateningly at me.

I will never receive the same response again when I say his name. He would have appeared behind me sneakily, coil his arms around my waist, and said "What?" in such a honeyed tone, that I could feel my insides melt.

* * *

_He had always loved me to such an extreme amount that it could be described with the words "covet", or "obsession", by the ignorant observer.  
_

_But it wasn't._

_Because it wasn't lustful, and it never died out, like lust always would._

_I thought he was mad when he first told me about his feelings._

_First of all, I was raised to recognize him as Dad, and thought I was too young to think about love. Secondly, he had always possessed a cold and distant ambiance about him, and I wasn't thoroughly convinced that he would have been able to love me. And lastly, He was more than twice my age, and everyone in the whole village probably was going to think lowly of me if they were to ever discover the truth. I just couldn't stand being shunned by society again._

_It wasn't going to work out; there were just too many obstacles in our way._

_I felt dirty, violated, and confused, after he held my hands, bent over, and kissed me gently._

_I was only fourteen, and it felt like I'd just done incest, even though, biologically, it wasn't._

_The way those golden eyes stared at me so differently at that moment has plagued me until this day._

_And after that encounter, Orochimaru began showing signs of wanting me more and more as time went on. But I refused to give him a chance._

_After weeks, months had passed of "Dad" trying to touch me every way he could, of him trying to relate all the conversations back to the same subject, he started to grow on me little by little, as much as I didn't want to accept. I started to think about him each day, and his image crawled into bed with me at night, infesting my mind like a disease._

_His sleek black hair, his golden eyes, his thin lips, his cold hands…_

_I knew I was going mad, just like he was.  
_

_So one night, I gave in-_

_He gave me a devilish smirk. His eyes glowed at me lustily, sending goosebumps down to the lowest segments of my spine, areas on which he would soon run his icicle fingers. I knew what I was going to be in for._

_So I just laid there, with my eyes locked shut, as he had it his way. I was scared of what he was going to do, because I'd never been this close with a man before. His dark chuckles rang in my ear whenever I flinched at his marble-cold hands touching my skin. He probably knew that I didn't like it, but pressed on. He wiped away the tears that were flooding my eyes, and squeezed my neck threateningly to cease my painful whining. Insensitive to my feelings, he went even harder. It hurt so bad, worse than what I imagined._

_"Oh shut up," he snapped at me, " I know you are no good, there's no point in making it so obvious." He slashed a free cold hand across my hot cheek- a deadly warning to stop._

_"I love you, Anko," I heard him say delicately, moments later. It was the first time that night I heard him soften his tone, as I felt a moist tongue trace the flesh on the back of my neck that had been stinging for a while, due to what felt like a bite. And just like that, I fell in love for the first time._

_But Orochimaru left me the next morning, along with the chance for our love to bloom. All I had in my hands was a small note. Not him, but a piece of paper. It was supposed to explain the reason why he left, but its fate was left for my impulsiveness before I read one word.  
_

_I decided that he never loved me, and only used me to get what he wanted.  
_

Which means, all the things he had ever said to me must have been fake.

_When that thought dawned upon me, my insides started to brew with hatred._

_I regretted that I ever thought someone like him would have feelings for me…  
_

_I felt pathetic to have allowed him haunt my mind all this time._

_But I was very hot-headed back then, and gave rational thought a chance before jumping to conclusions.  
_

_However, his feelings for me were true, genuine. (As I am trying to convince myself to believe now, upon thinking back to this.) And he had his reasons for leaving me, if only I read that note._

_Unfortunately, I began to hate him for leaving me alone. But little did I know, he was going to come back for me._

_And when he did, I was going to fall in love once more.  
_

* * *

_By the way, this story is going to darken, and become more and more complex and screwed-up from as chapters progress. Do pardon the OOC-ness at first, especially Orochimaru's. Or, you can always not read on... Regards.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

* * *

I'm finding it harder to stay awake, as a light, caressing breeze replaced the once hot and humid summer air. The atmosphere is beginning to dim, and it is becoming difficult to even make out my own ten fingers. A group of fireflies are frolicking through the bushes, playing around the trees, and flashing their tails at me friendly. I lay here, fascinated by the simplest of things, ignoring nature's call for me to return home. But I know I can't, I can't leave _him _out here alone. I want to be with him, for as long as I can, and receive his softly blown kisses delivered so gently by the wind. They give me the satisfaction of knowing that he still loves me even after death, even after _I_ took his life.

My shoulders are growing sore after hours of leaning on marble. But I don't want to release myself of its pain, as the marble reminds me of his cold body- A body that I would to anything to lean on again, and feel his securing arms wrapped around me, so that I can be warm once more.

I am much colder than what the comforting atmosphere allows. Without him, I may as well be frozen.

* * *

I'm now finding it harder for my eyes to continue staring blankly at the indigo sky, while the rest of me is growing stiff, longing for a place of rest. So, staying true to my intentions, I found a comfortable patch of grass beside his grave, and laid myself down there. I promised that I would spend the night with him, and that he wouldn't be alone. I know that I'm becoming insane. But now that he's dead, the least I can do for him is to stay here for as long as possible. After all, an infinite number of sincere apologies can never even hope to wash away the wrong that I have done.

* * *

_I remember clearly that a few years ago, I received news from one of the fellow ninjas that a couple of candidates from the Chuunin Exam had been cursed horribly, I knew almost instantaneously that no other Shinobi living would have had the audacity, except for, my stomach gave a terrible lurch, Orochimaru. __I shed no sympathy for the fallen candidates, as I was rendered heartless by the thought that I would have to see that son-of-a-bitch again._ My head soon became flooded with what was a mixture of excitement, and hatred, mostly hatred. I hated him because I still had not forgotten his betrayal. But on the other hand, I was excited as well. It had been 13 years since I last saw "Dad", and as much as I didn't want to admit, I still cared for him.  


_"Hello again, Anko," spoke a cold voice coming from the back of my head, making me jump at how close it sounded. I could feel his frigid breath blowing gently on my neck._

_"What?" I barely managed to speak, after realizing the identity of the speaker. Hatred churned in my gut like a witch's brew.  
_

_"__What?" The voice mocked, "Now now, Anko, surely this isn't how you should greet me after a thirteen-year-old farewell."_

_I remained silent, at a loss for words.  
_

_But he wasn't silenced._

_"Don't discredit me. I believe I taught you manners, Anko." He said, as I saw a pair of gleaming yellow orbs from the corner of my eye. Turning away quickly, I refused to meet them; my hands searched in my coat pockets frantically for a knife._

_He laughed darkly at my attempt._

_"Now, turn and face me, like a polite little lady would," His cooing tone licked my ear.  
_

_I knew he was trying to anger me even further to try and attack him- I knew this trick too well to fall for it a hundredth time. So once again, I held my tongue._

_"Or are you just mad 'cause I left you that night?"_

_"You really missed me, didn't you?" He questioned again a little louder, trying to get me to answer, as I felt a sudden death grip securing around my waist, "I mean, to be hating me to this extent."_

_"Fuck off, Orochimaru!" I snarled, trying to fight off the embrace, failing miserably._

_"No." He replied. With no more said, he spun me around, hugged my body even closer to his, and plastered his lips onto mine with such force that made me gag uncontrollably._

_I tried everything I could to get away, but his arms were too tight. They held me like iron chains would to a criminal, forbidding any minuscule movement of my arms. I was deathly mad however, so I seized my foot, and attempted to kick him hard on the shin.  
_

_It worked. He dodged without much effort, breaking the kiss immediately. My quick reflexes told me to run the opposite direction as quickly as possible, but Orochimaru was quicker. He appeared in front of me, as I stopped dead on my track in surprise at his speed.  
_

_"Leaving so soon, are we?"_

_He grabbed me, smirking, and rammed me into the nearest tree. The whole forest would have heard me scream in pain, but he acted as if he was deaf.  
_

_"To think that__ you can escape my grasp, little bird." He whispered into my ear, without a trace of impatience, which he must have been faking.  
_

_I was standing in front of the very man who I had wanted to kill my whole life, utterly speechless. It pained me that my defeat was now being handed to him on a silver platter, and I couldn't do anything about it. His touch was as icy on my shoulders as ever, and his snake-like eyes hadn't lost its sinister gaze. But indeed, he did age by a drastic amount in a mere thirteen years. Thin lines had somehow crept themselves onto the once flawless face. As he tenderly caressed his tongue against my stripped shoulders, I saw the light strings of silver hair gleaming noticeably under the dark locks of black. His mouth then ventured downwards, teeth peeling off anything that may impede it from its desired destination. I had given up by now, trying to struggle against someone much more than I._

_"You did not read what I wrote you." He said suddenly, "Or you wouldn't be so rejecting of me. You would be amusing yourself right now instead." His head rested on my shoulder; I couldn't help but take in his scent, the very scent that couldn't be bleached out of my previous home that I had to move to a new apartment, so I could forget about the memories that it evoked. I was bound to him forever, mentally, if not physically.  
_

_So, instead of yelling something back my defense, I just turned my head away from his glance, hoping that he would overlook my defeat._

_"I figured that you wouldn't have read it," He continued, his nobly arched nose nudged my neck playfully , "You'd always jump dumbly into conclusions."_

_I remained speechless, whimpering at how dangerously soft his touch was._

_"To others, you may be tough, valiant even." He taunted me even further, still trying any way to push a button of mine, "But to me, I can," He chuckled at his own thought, "I can puppet you into doing things you would never dare to imagine."_

_He knew how much I hated being suggested that I was weak, and how fiery my temper could be.  
_

_"What__, do you want from me?" I snarled, pushing him away, my anger rising at its peak, "If you wish to kill me, you can continue with that right away. You don't have to make a long-ass speech before doing so!"_

_He shook his head, smiling deviously, as he thrust me back into him, into the core of his chest. We were so close now that my nostrils tingled under the scent of his breath._

_"Oh, my dear Anko, I do not wish to kill you" He told me assuringly, tipping my chin. His tone made him sound like a rapist telling his victime at first that she wouldn't get hurt._

_"Bastard," I spat under my breath, attempting to put my clothes back together, "It sure goddamn seems like it."_

_"Well you see," He replied calmly, still keeping the tight distance between us, "I've decided to come back just so I could see you, my lover, again, hoping that my feelings would be requited once more..."_

_"__You honestly expect me to believe that?" I snapped, fighting to get his bony hands off me, " I know exactly what you want, you damn liar!"_

_"Whether I was lying or not," he answered a bit louder with that same patient air, "You're mine from the start." His gaze then suddenly transformed into red, demonic glare as I jumped a little at the sudden change.  
_

_"Accept fate my sweet, and I won't kill you, __understand?" Even his voice deepened.  
_

_His thin, long fingers immediately closed around my throat so tightly that made me choke, but was allowed just enough air for me to gasp out a, "Yes."_

_But he didn't let go._

_ "I can kill you anytime, __if I wish. Do not test my patience. Is that any way unclear?" He hissed like a serpent._

_"No."_

_He released his grip, allowing me to fall back on the ground, my mouth lunging at the fresh source of air._

_"I'm leaving." He stated flatly, "And you are not to interfere at all during my stay here."_

_All I could barely manage was an anxious nod. My lungs still yearned for more breath._

_He bent down, clawed my shirt collar, and thrust me into one last, this time a softer kiss, and disappeared from my sight._

* * *

Here I lay, at this very spot where Orochimaru violated me that day. The echoes of that incident ring through my mind as loudly as ever. My eyes are beginning to dim, and my mind is being tempted into slumber, where his face, his caress, will haunt throughout me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

* * *

_Just when I thought Orochimaru was going to be gone from my life forever, something strange just had to happen to only prove how wrong I had been._

_About a year after our encounter in the Forest of Death, I was sent on a mission to the Sound Village as a spy. I reluctantly agreed, though my heart gave such thumps I thought I wouldn't have been able to make it out of Tsunade's office conscious._

_Even though it had been so long ago since he left me, I could still sense his presence lingering in the atmosphere every night, still hear him scoff at how easily frightened I was. _

_Yet he still didn't leave me be, even in my dreams. It was as if all that my subconscious mind's worth, was but a reminder of his dangerous touch, his spine-tingling kisses, his haunting gaze, his deadly grasp…_

_He was my nightmare.  
_

_And now, I feel no differently than a forced prostitute being sent over to her mad-man of a customer, as I am about to be near __him again._

_I knew I couldn't have take back my promise to the Hokage, because it would have given me a bad name. And since that stroke of stupidity caused me to accept the mission, I realize now I have to pay for its consequences. The information I am to gather will be extremely significant to the village, so the pressure of, "I. Must. Not. Fail.", also slammed me hard on the head like one heavy war hammer._

_Tsunade was indeed never the wise one. And she definitely did not make a good decision choosing me, I figured, standing now at the foot of Orochimaru's place. Since he thrives within a fortress closed with iron gates, it forbids trespassing of the most insignificant of creatures. It would take much more than force to get in, which is __way beyond me. She should have sent someone witty, like Kakashi, who could have wheedled himself into the lair with no harm done.__ But I, who had developed a rather pathetic phobia of thunderstorms, reacted almost reflexively to the violent rustling of tree leaves and formation of dark clouds, by seeking the... nearest shelter...  
_

* * *

_"_Get that girl!_"_

_I had to withstand his rings of maniacal, deafening laughter after I was sent to face Orochimaru, all tied up with bits of rope._

_I hated how my impulsive nature managed to always pull me into his fingertips again and again._

_He wasn't exactly enraged after he forced out of me that I was his spy, but rather bemused, letting himself believe that I'd arrived because I wanted him. I guess to amuse himself, and to make fun of me.  
_

_"I know how much you've missed me," he said in his barely audible whisper, extending a hand to caress my cheek, "I promise that you'll never be alone again." He sounded so impassioned, yet mocking, that I couldn't tell if he was just playing sarcastic or really meant his words.  
_

_And no matter how much I tried to deny the fact that I truly cared for him deep down, his uncanny ability of seeing right through me… saw right through me. He must have known I still had feelings for him.  
_

_"You may go up the private chambers now, as you've had a long day." I heard him say, as I felt a sudden brush of cold sweeping across my hands, and was relieved from the pressure of the tight, scratchy rope. "My servant will lead you there," he continued, with a rather honeyed tone, "You may bathe and get rested."_

_"Y-yes," I barely managed to speak, astonished by his reaction. Little did I know at that time, or wanted to believe, he truly loved me._

_So, in I stepped to the warm tub, soaking my senses into the mellow scent of lavender floating around me. But when I opened my eyes, falling from the euphoria of water and flowers and expecting to see more of the paradise that my mind had been fantasizing, the chamber torches and mean-looking stone walls struck me that I was still in Orochimaru's lair. Winds howling like famished hyenas outside, along with the dire atmosphere inside made quite a contrast with the golden bathtub in which I was sitting. I wasn't in heaven, but in an oasis, amidst Inferno.  
_

_"And I was supposed to be his spy!" I thought, as I felt a wave of guilt sweep over me, "And here I am, falling deeper into his trap, leaving him to think that a mere bubble bath is going to bribe me into not taking responsibility."_

_Then, I imagined me, tied to a steel pole, being tortured by his followers with him cackling insanely as I cried in pain. Even death would have been a more preferable choice than the feeling of being humiliated by him.__ So, instead of letting my thoughts wander any further into oblivion, I grabbed a towel, and headed off to the nearest bedroom, wanting to get away from that place, and that notion._

_But, as I shoved the fine-finished door open, I realized that I couldn't collapse on the bed, because someone else was already lying comfortably on it._

_Bare-chested, seductively smirking, Orochimaru._

_"You don't have to be in such a hurry to sleep with me, Anko." He sneered, as a bolt of lightning cracked conveniently somewhere in the distance. I whimpered. He laughed.  
_

_"S-so t-this is where I am supposed stay in this whole fucking place?" I demanded, feeling not only fear, but anger at the fact that I'd been lured dumbly into his amusement once more._

_"Well pretty much," He shrugged casually, purposely ignoring the angry expression on my face, "Unless you want to sleep with the servants. But I assure you, that you would prefer me over them."_

_"No matter what, Orochimaru," I replied ferociously, clutching my towel protectively over my body, finally picking up his hint, "I'm. Not. Sleeping. With. You!"_

_He sighed, shaking his head, "Suit yourself," he said, fluttering his hand, signaling me to go away, "But don't come running back to me when you get__ scared or something."_

_I grunted, not remembering what happened the last time when I played with his patience. I walked over to the nearest corner of the room, and settled myself down there, with the now dry towel wrapped around me.  
_

_Crack._

_I shrieked sharply._

_Cuddling myself together, I heard a sadistic laugh ringing in the distance.  
_

_I reminisced about how I used to come into his room whenever there was noisy rain. I was little of course, so I knew little of what skin-to-skin contact actually meant. He held me to sleep back then, and I would melt safely into his embrace. But it would be absurd if he held me through tonight; I am not a little girl anymore.  
_

_Few seconds later, a roll of thunder caused me to suddenly jump up, painfully stubbing a toe of mine against what felt like a bookshelf. As temptation surged throughout me, every last molecule in my body began longing for what he would provide. Yet another shot of lighting shone through the dark atmosphere to illuminate him, who was just lying there, waiting for me… _

_I__ should give in… I should go to him… With him is where I belong…_

_My instincts took over me, as I dasht across the pitch-black room and onto the bed due to yet another roar. I didn't allow myself to think of the consequences, but squashed him into me as if he was no more than a harmless teddy bear._

_I didn't care that we were both robeless, and that my breasts were in level with his._

_I didn't care that he was so much older than me, or that I was supposed to be on a mission to __spy on him._

_Nor did I give into consideration that it was Iruka who asked me out a few weeks ago._

_All that mattered to me was his presence, his embrace, his comfort._

_Indeed, I lost the battle of resisting him, and yet, for the first time in my life, the shame of losing actually felt… good._

* * *

_"Do you regret it?" He asked me one night, nine weeks after my arrival._

_"N-no."  
_

_His lips curled into a smile. I felt a sudden brush of skin sweep beneath my hand as he retrieved his from under mine, and folded his arms around me. A slight tingle of pleasure aroused in me as I felt something trace my bare neck, down to my spine, which caused me to lunge involuntarily towards him in shock. We fell freely on the bed to the vain exertion of force I gave. He chuckled nonchalantly, as if he meant for that to happen. My ears were pounding in ecstasy, in rhythm with his every breeze of lacy breath blown into it._

_"Anko," I heard Orochimaru whisper in the distance, despite how close he actually was.  
_

_"Do you love me?" He questioned. His voice sounded so serious, too sincere, that it took seconds for me to realize that it was him asking this question.  
_

_And I knew exactly what the answer is going to be. He was the first man I had been with who had the ability to make me feel this good, so why wouldn't I?  
_

_"Yes, Orochimaru, I love you." I admitted with a firm tone of which I never thought I was able to utter.  
_

_His snake-like eyes glowed, and his pale cheeks contracted, as his face grew into a victorious grin.  
_

_Then all of a sudden, without giving much thought, I leaned forward, and kissed him. Out of my own free will. I allowed myself to thaw in his fingertips, as all that I could register in my mind was the desire being debauched in the erotic fantasy that he was about to tuck me into once more._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

* * *

I woke up.

The moisture-stained, cracked ceiling.

The overwhelming, humid aroma of rust.

The rhythmic tick of a clock nearby.

I must be home…

_But how did I get here?_

Was I just in the cemetery, asleep on the ground alone, or was I in bed with Orochimaru?

One of them _had _to be a dream, despite how real both of them felt.

_Damn, it feels like a shark just bit off my leg._

Oh yes, that damned wound. Which means… option number two is out of the question. I was_ dreaming_ about it, while asleep in the cemetery, even though where I am now feels like a deja-vu that continues where my dream left off… A dream in which he is actually by my side. I am cradled in his arms, the pleasure of his touch,

_A mere dream_.

I closed my eyes once more, for the stubborn me is not yet ready to face reality.

I prefer to stay enshrouded in the past, as there will not be much of a future for me.

* * *

_I woke up._

_The cracked ceiling._

_The overly generous sun rays._

_The rough bed sheets._

_This certainly isn't Orochimaru's room, and… he's not even next to me…_

_I sat up, my body unwilling to cooperate, and attempted to look at my surroundings. But my eyes wanted to close, to go back to sleep. _There's my alarm clock, and the stuffed animals, and those dirty ANBU trousers. I'm back home…

_Then, without warning, many questions began tackling my poor head simultaneously._

"How did I get here?"_  
_

"What is _he_ up to now?"

"What will I tell Tsunade?"

"Will I ever get to see him again?"

**"Does he not want me anymore?"**

_Burdened by the fact that I couldn't resolve all my personal interrogations at the same time, I got up, and decided to take a shower, hoping it would wash away all, if not some of my worries._

"So Anko, about your long absense…"

_I made up the flippant lie to Tsunade that I was somehow imprisoned and managed to escape because of some kind cell warden. But that he was indeed planning a second attack on Konoha. (That I knew about.) And to my surprise, she let me out with no harm done, and must have believed every single syllable of the... epic tale that I made up._

_But, I just couldn't understand why he would leave me again, after weeks of being together. Did I do something wrong? I told him that I loved him, wasn't that enough? I had to admit that what he did really bothered me.  
_

* * *

_"Oi, Anko!"_

_Before my mind ever got to turning back to see who it was, a pair of lips pushing roughly onto mine made it obvious that it was Iruka.  
_

_After breaking the kiss, he demanded, "Where have you been? I was so worried!"_

_"Um… On my mission." I answered awkwardly. I could feel a blush rising up my cheeks, "It took… longer than I thought."_

_"Oh, what did you do there?" He asked stupidly, in a rather stupid tone, hoping to start a conversation, as he reached over to grab my sweaty palms, pulling me closer._

_"I guess what I was supposed to do. Spying." I replied in the same manner of stupidity, thinking of Orochimaru._

_"Oh! Well I'm glad you're back!" Iruka said as he bent over to retrieve another kiss and whispered in my ear, "I missed you like hell."  
_

_I shudder__ed, that was so Orochimaru-like._

I am cheating on both of them...

_But now he's gone. I__ts over._

_Over._

"Let's go grab a drink, and you can stay at my place tonight."

"Sure."

* * *

_Well, I tried anything and everything to forget about Orochimaru. I went__ with Iruka, hung out with Kakashi, Shizune, and the rest of the gang, and basically did everything else to keep that demonic being away from my thoughts. It was hard. I had to climb to bed every night, being cast away from his much needed presence, and wake up every morning, deprived of his addictive kisses. Whenever I would be reminded of Orochimaru, I pushed and pulled at __my rebellious mind to think of something else. I fought hard, against my internal struggle to go back to him._

_However difficult it was, in the end, I succeeded. The suppression of my own free thoughts was to such an extent that weeks could go by without hearing his whispers at night. I no longer felt like I was being watched all the time._

_I was finally __normal._

_Even though a part of me knew what I was doing was wrong, I ignored its calling.__ Instead, __my consciousness only wanted my life to be stable, for once, and this was the most stable position I could possibly get myself into, no matter how uncomfortable it really felt. Nothing was going to get too out of hand anytime soon..._

* * *

_Then it did._

_Yes." I answered immediately, without thinking._

_Iruka clutched my cheekbones with such eagerness, and kissed me with such ferocity that at first I thought he was a cannibal. _

_I just wanted to kill myself for allowing my impulsiveness to tangle me into yet another grim situation._

_And here I go again, neutral life, disrupted._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

* * *

_"I would have to be the ugliest bride on earth," I thought to myself, gazing blankly at the reflection staring back at me. My hair resembles dried strings of hay, dyed violently purple and dumped all over my head. I lack proper rest. Saggy bags droop under my lower eyelids like they hold lead, and below them, are my chapped lips, or a cheese grater. I can't tell. _

_Yet, I'm going to be married in less than a month._

_"Why the hell must I be so goddamn hideous?" I demanded my reflection, shaking its mirror like no good answer would ever come out of it._

_Iruka will probably regret it when he sees me naked like this. I'm not even pregnant, and my inflated beer-belly gives one the impression that I swallowed a basketball for breakfast._

_My busily occupied life leaves no room for leisure time, and very rarely do I use it to flatter my appearance. Attractiveness isn't one of my high-held values, but this has gone too far. I look like I've been drained of all my youth, leeched of my beauty, and look no different from a hag in horror films.  
_

_My life's a horror film- I'm going to be soon dumbly married off to a person about whom I am beginning to have second thoughts...  
_

* * *

_I __really don't think I'm ready, even though it's way too late to regret now._

_I'm getting married tomorrow._

_But I don't love him._

_It's impossible for me to love anyone, as a matter of fact, when nostalgic of being drunk in _**his**_ fervent essence transferred through phantom kisses, of being entranced under the provocative ambiance radiating from the imagination of his mere presence. __I cannot leash this ravenous desire for him any longer. I simply can't get over him. It was with success temporarily, but his shadowy profile continues to haunt the living daylight out of me. I can't be without him._

_Rearranging my body into a more comfortable position, I buried myself into the comfort of bed covers. It is awfully cold tonight. The dispersed melody whistled by the wind was accompanied by the blast beats of raindrops on glass; the weather sounded like an old, creepy heavy metal record. Unwillingly, I was sent into insomnia. So here I lay, in a reverie of gentle, comforting lips, contrasting with his poignant teeth piercing my flesh. Hearts pounding in fiery ecstasy, in rhythm with the swish-like sound of skin friction. I can feel his neck looming over, arching to meet my lips; his lengthy hair splattered across my shoulders, getting closer…_

_"Hello Anko," Orochimaru spoke, "It's me again."_

_I jumped, falling from the lift of my mind's eye, unable to believe that this isn't one of my daydreams. He has his arms coiled around me. Golden eyes, lusty yet haunting, I saw from the corner of mine. He's really here, holy shit. __What the hell is he doing here?_

_"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked out loud, my heart pounding ten times faster than it did a minute ago._

_"To see you one last time before your… big day." He replied in his usual sarcastic air, but I could sense the disappointment behind the words._

_"Oh…" I said quietly, feeling the remorse creep on me again, more this time than ever._

_"He's a good man, you know." Orochimaru added, sounding just a bit spiteful, but still sarcastic nonetheless, "He's better... for you, than I'll ever be." _

_I said nothing, freely allowing the guilt to weigh me down even further._

_"But never would I expect you to have made the decision that quickly," He continued on, tightening his hold around me, "You should have known I wouldn't have given up on you that easily."_

_He leaned over to give me a light peck on the cheek, then settled his arched neck next to mine; I can hear the airy whistle of his breath, and feel its gentle caress sweep across my face. Tears aroused in my eyes.  
_

_Why didn't I just go back to him when things got out of hand? Why didn't I consider how he would feel if I were to get married? Why did I choose to sit back, and allow myself to become fate's bitch?_

_A bony finger reached over, and wiped the tear from my face. Then, with no words said, his coil swung me over so that I met that mesmeric gaze for the first time in what felt like a millennium. I fell willingly into a kiss, leaving him to tempt me into his world, where I wish to stay, if able, for the rest of eternity. _

_He still wants me, after all that has happened._

_With that assuring thought resting inside of me, I allowed myself one last trip to him, to have nothing hold me back when his eyes hypnotized me into willingly doing the things I never thought the sane me would do. I whimpered slightly as his fangs made contact with my skin, just right beside the curvature of my breasts. Like little razorblades, they tore through the flesh curiously, as I gave blood. The bite above however, was a bit more animalistic, though still perfect. Finally, he bent to kiss his work of art, dulling down the sharp stabs that pulsated deep into my breastbone. His embouchure and timing were so flawless, so divine, that no other man on earth could perform to his manner. That is the reason my erotic appetite has been famished for so long- No one else, but him only, can fulfill it. He makes me feel beautiful, worthy even. And that no matter how baggy my eyes are, or to what extent my lips are chapped, I am still his. I can hold on to him, knowing that no one could ever take him, or my beauty away from me._

_A few moments later, he pulled away, leaving me clenched to that very last strand of euphoria, desperate for more.  
_

_"I'm leaving," he stated flatly, pulling his outfit back together._

_"No," I pleaded, expecting so much more than just a few bites._

_"Yes." He replied simply, bending down to steal yet another kiss, to which I responded willingly. "Good-bye, Anko. I love you."_

_And he was gone. My last string of hope that he could perhaps take me away with him, gone...  
_

_"I love you too…"_

* * *

_"I would have to be the unluckiest bride on Earth." I thought to myself, gazing blankly into the mirror at the delicately groomed doll staring back at me. Tsunade is applying ivory foundation onto my already porcelain-colored face._

_"But I still see a blank spot here," She replied earnestly, after I yelled at her to stop._

_Even though having the Hokage do my makeup is an honour, it still doesn't smear away the fact that she is trying to make me look like a corpse._

_"There! Done!"_

_I looked into my reflection once more. Mouth agape, I gasped loudly at the finished product. She somehow managed to manipulate my beehive of hair into a tight, yet elegant bun, with intricate ornaments dangling from both sides. The marble-white foundation miraculously censored all my facial flaws- the sharp cuts, baggy eyes, and even that terrible burn I have beside my left ear as the consequence of a misused jutsu. All that's left of my visage is perfection, that other-worldly trait that is too… perfect for this one, for __me._

_But I feel ashamed, ashamed that the first time in my life that I am (though am no longer feeling) beautiful is to Orochimaru's disapproval. I'm not __his bride-to-be. The pair of arms that is going to be carrying me away from the altar won't have that same assurance, same strength that he would bear. And the man whose lips I'm going to envelope will not contain the same sincerity, devotion I'm willing to give from mine._

_At first, I thought I did the right thing by saying yes to that proposal, so that I could start life anew, and forget about the past. But little did I know, that decision I made is soon going to cause me to barely hear but mere __echoes of his ribbony whisper, of little words and phrases that would do no less but melt my body, heart and soul. That it will strip me of nothing but mere __memories of his long, affectionate fingers dancing in that persuasive waltz, teasing my desires for the obscene. Things I can only muse in my thoughts, over and over again, but not be able to experience in reality._

_It's all my fault._

* * *

_If only I wasn't so impulsive… If I just used my head a little bit, I wouldn't be standing here, about to walk to the altar that will completely cut off all ties I have with him._

_"It all happened so soon..." I thought, thinking back clearly to when Iruka proposed to me only a mere two months ago. I haven't even went out with him for that long, nor do I love him that much. __Our relationship seems so… rushed._

_"I can't turn back now." I thought, placing my hand on the silver handlebar. Its frigid cold was transferred to my hands, driving my nerves even further. Closing my eyes, I opened the only barrier between me and that overwhelming barrage of sound made by the many guests eager to witness my… bitter end._

_I walked towards the altar, where Iruka is standing, with an uncontrollable glee on his face. My heart sank. Trying hard to preserve my demeanor, I hastened my pace, hoping to get this over with more quickly. Sweat crept from my shaking palms and into the bouquet of roses I was holding. __"I can't do this", I thought, but my body refused to abide. My legs continue to swing back and forth, no matter how loud I screamed on the inside._

I don't love him.

_Before I became aware, my legs have already carried me up the steps, and right in front of my husband-to-be. He looks so tense from fighting to keep a straight face, and is losing the battle to a valiant, possessive grin. I shivered at his facial expression._

_So began the lengthy speech spoken by some Catholic priest, which took what I thought an infinity. Those accursed Western traditions that Iruka wanted to emulate for our wedding...  
_

_An instinct tells me that a certain someone is in the crowd, watching me being wed. A certain someone whose face is more tense than Iruka's. I swear I can hear the soft tinkling of his martini glass over everything else, made by his arm in seizure. I thought of it only as my paranoia, resisting the temptation to turn my head towards him- to confirm that he is indeed there, watching me with piercing yellow eyes, plaguing me with guilt. "There is no way he can be here," I thought, reminding myself that he is still a wanted man."Y-Yes," I replied, as soon as I heard the priest ask me that question. _

_Applause soon rang throughout the hall, as my lips felt another kiss it with eagerness, a tongue working its way with such force. This is my catastrophe. Everything I valued, gone, with the only one who I don't hear applauding. He is staring at me so intensely that I feel ablaze under his ray of sight, whether his physical presence is discernible or not. He must have meant for me to suffer like this, to __had to come back the night before the wedding, just to remind me of him. He had to quench my thirst at the last minute, leaving me wanting more…_

* * *

_His presence is now beginning to feel distant, drifting to nowhere... I want to chase after him, to run up to him and hug him from getting away, but found it impossible with Iruka's arms clamped around my body.  
_

_Don't leave me, please, I want you._

_And all my hope, values, __love... Gone with him..._

* * *

REVIEW


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

* * *

"Anko, you there?" Iruka's worried voice rang from the back of the door, followed by another three loud bangs.

My eyes snapped open.

Hurting from the sudden movement, I forced myself out of bed, which is something my abdominal muscles aren't happy about. _I must have been asleep for a long time…_ Attempting to turn my head towards the back wall at a bit of an angle where my alarm clock sits on a ledge, my neck cracked noticeably. I quickly relieved it of discomfort, making a mental note not to try that again. My muscles have been so used to such a position that they are stubbornly resisting me pulling them out of it. Inhaling a large mass of air, I coughed at the suffocating amount of dust.

"Are you okay?" Iruka demanded, raising his tone. I can easily sense his eagerness to kick the door open and get to me, knowing the hotheaded him since our childhood. Therefore, I chose not to reply, as he will barge in soon enough without my invitation anyways. Sitting up on the bed, I heaved my arms up to wrap around my legs. I yawned, half awake, mentally readying myself for the series of troublesome questions he is going to throw at me when he comes in.

"You're awake," he remarked excitedly, which was responded by an sluggish nod, "Finally! You've been asleep for ever!"

"Yeah," I croaked, my voice faltered from the lack of use, "Stressful life, isn't it?"

_Such a failed attempt to hide the fact that I fell asleep in the cold cemetery in tears.  
_

He frowned, "Aww, I'm so sorry, sweetie," He whispered, giving me a hug as if it would help me one bit, "I know how much he meant to you…"

_No you don't, and are just making me feel worse._

Nevertheless, I fell into his vacuous embrace, as I had every legal right to. He is my husband, after all. And I can gladly use any form of human contact, bland or not, that will radiate even the minimal amount of warmth. The bitter cold that has been haunting me ever since I regained consciousness is enough to kill.

Iruka isn't sate enough for me. As a matter of fact, after what has happened, no one will ever be. I let his numb warmth into me, drawing in the sincere, yet empty compassion. Barely taking notice of the insipid kisses being planted one by one on my forehead, like a five year child dipping messy fingerpaint onto a piece of paper fecklessly, I pitied myself for having to stoop down to his novice ways.

I am no longer grieving Orochimaru's death, like I have been. I now feel nothing, because he had become the only source of my feelings. I had killed him, and now I must pay its price- to have him, his memory, torment me, even after he's gone.

I am now damned to a life of mere mediocrity. It is something that I had, and regretted to had wanted. All excitement, desires in my life have been stripped away, leaving me nothing else to cling on, but Nothing.

Iruka broke away, making me feel indifferent. And with no questions asked, he walked off to make dinner. I sit here, allowing my mind to trail off again, to continue from where it had left off.

* * *

_"Go away, Orochimaru," I half breathed, half whispered. I was holding on to him, savouring the alluring aroma of his hair playing into my nostrils once more._

_"Oh, why is that?" He questioned innocently, though already knowing the answer. His tone held the same breathiness as mine._

_" 'Cause I'm not supposed to doing this, stupid." I replied, though running my hand against his lustrous rivers of hair in irony.  
_

_His lips curled into a conniving smirk, as he pulled me even closer, if possible, on top of him, just so he could flirt and twirl his fingers down my spine. The sudden ecstatic thrill caused me to clutch his elongated neck for dear life, it had been so long since he did that.  
_

_He could evoke the of most dynamic within me, yet, by doing the simplest tasks. That was what made him most dangerous to my well-being._

_I let out a dry gasp when his nails sank into my naked flesh, extracting blood from within and tainting it with his venom. The wound stung being exposed to the chill of the atmosphere around us. I could feel the toxins eating through me, plaguing into my veins._

_I, who was spiteful that he took advantage of me so unexpectedly, set out for revenge, playfully of course. Gathering as much strength as I could muster, I bared my own claw, sank deep, making sure the fingers penetrated a bit deeper than his did, and pulled slowly. I sensed his shiver, as my nails lacerated his skin from the arch of the neck, slowly down the ivory, semi-muscular chest, and towards the edge of his erect nipple. I heard a sharp inhale of breath, and finally a low, serpentine hiss, which were all music to my ears._

_After countless heated nights, away from the knowing of my husband, I had finally caught on to a bit of his in-bed ways. Tormenting, yet clement. Down-right intercourse wasn't worth the trouble anymore, for fondly torturing each other like so was more than enough. I smiled victoriously at his thin lips, playing into what looked like, "You bitch."_

_I laid my head down on the freshly cut wounds, allowing blood's metallic taste to excite my taste buds. I was not proud of my progress of trying to forget about him, as allowing his visits many nights a week wasn't exactly a sign of accomplishment. But, I simply didn't care anymore. Orochimaru was mine, and no one could ever dare to take him away from me._

_"But you still don't want to stop," He purred into my ear, referring back to the conversation earlier, "Because I am just that irresistible."_

* * *

_It was midnight, with the chilly November air blowing but a breeze through the tranquil neighborhood- the only thing that hadn't yet fallen to rest. It arrived as a dulcet kiss on my cheeks and a caress of the window curtain, tempting me out of falling asleep as well._

_"He's supposed to be here," I thought to myself, worriedly looking out the window, just to see an empty street with dimmed streetlights- a scene that hadn't changed for the last half hour._

_He promised that he would visit tonight, around this time, and he never betrayed a promise… __(I was so foolish to had believed that.)_

_"Could he be caught by the ANBU?" I thought once more, fearfully... _

_That notion was soon defeated by that he was a good-enough Shinobi who would have easily won over ten of me, let alone a group of puny ANBU._

_"You'll never find me by looking that way, Anko," came a hiss from the bed where I usually slept, next to Iruka.  
_

_I jumped,__ how long had he been on there?_

_"I have been on here for the last ten minutes," He stated, answering my unasked question, his mouth curling into that signature smirk of his, "Watching you look stupidly for me."_

_My eyes darted at my husband who was snoring away, then back Orochimaru, implying for him to be quiet._

_He chuckled darkly, "That fool won't be waking up until we are done."_

_He thrust me onto him to catch my lips in a voracious kiss. My moan as a reaction was even louder than what I told him to be quiet for._

* * *

_"What kept you so long, anyways?" I asked him, walking down the rough-textured sidewalk holding hands. We had not the fear of getting caught; everyone was asleep. It was those sweet, stolen moments that I was more than wiling to die for.  
_

_"As much as you don't want to believe, my dear," he replied dully as if telling me what had been told a hundred times already, "I come to Konoha for other reasons than just to please you."_

_"But…" I began, but was stopped._

_"No, I am not courting someone else," He said as if to a child, looking teasingly annoyed, "I just have other motives that I am asking you to please not wander anymore upon."_

_I was shocked by what he said, as that was the closest he'd come to offending me in a long time. He'd been so gentle with me ever since I stopped violently resisting him. However, I still had not forgotten that he could, and certainly would turn into a vehement monster in an instant if I was too persistent.  
_

_"Oh, I'm sorry," I whispered instead, stopped to look down at my toes, blushing, hoping he would be persuaded to give sympathy. I was quite fond of the little mind-games we sometimes played, though he would always win.  
_

_He smiled, held my jaw, and pulled closer and brushed his lips lightly against mine. Smiling inside at my little accomplishment, I collapsed into his arms like water, and took in his scent- a mixture of a sinister sting and lulling comfort. His hands stroked my freed hair absent-mindedly; _

* * *

the same pair of hands that were stained by the blood of countless men_. _

* * *

_I shuddered at the sudden thought, and glanced up to meet his eyes for confirmation, assuming that he had at least noticed a sudden jolt in my chakra flow, if not read my mind.  
_

* * *

The eyes that would be sickened with malice when they would glance upon all of the innocent that fell prey to them…

* * *

_What's wrong with me? Suddenly, it is as if my instincts are telling me that I am playing with fire, and that I should get, and keep away from the person that I usually refuse to stop musing over. My instincts are fairly accurate, as I have relied on them when turning many dangerous corners, and they have kept me alive to this day. But, I just couldn't muster the mental strength to leave him.  
_

* * *

_"Besides Anko," He said assuringly, his sweet tone melting any thoughts I had about running away from him like the apocalypse, "You are _**mostly**_ the reason why I come here anymore."_

* * *

_"Not tonight," He said, smiling as he gripped my hand, stopping it from venturing inside his robes._

_"Why not?" I questioned, a bit disappointed that no response came from me swaying my hips against his, trying to tempt them. The smooth, moist grass lay beneath us._

_"Because," He began, reaching up to kiss me gently, who was lying on top of him, "It's not romantic enough to accompany a night like this."_

_He but looked up at the dim sky, and the little speckles of nightly debris littered all over it._

_I raised an eyebrow. What was he getting at? It wasn't like him to be stargazing. He should be out there, killing the masses, instead of having a girl lay on top of him, and watching him watch the stars with a slight bit of worry if she was on the right man._

_"Aren't we goi-" But was interrupted by him placing two fingers lightly on my lips._

_His tone suddenly froze.__ Harshened. "No, because you would learn to get tired of me soon enough." He released his grip on my wrist from earlier, and left my limp hand to fall on the ground, "Then, I would mean nothing to you, be tossed away like that worthless husband of yours." He looked away, as if he just finished letting out something that had been on his mind for quite a while._

_"Oh sweetie, what are you talking about?" I asked sweetly, bending down to kiss his forehead, oblivious to the strange expression on his face. I knew exactly what he was talking about, and for some reason, I felt pity. For him.  
_

_He shook his head, cackling dryly, "I'm no fool, Anko," He said, his eyes still fixed in the stare that was starting to make me feel uncomfortable, "I am aware that you use me. And you never felt anything for me beyond that...want."_

_He wasn't exactly angered, and was as sedate as ever. But his words struck me hard in the chest. It was as if that unusually calm manner of speaking he used was tenfold more deadly than if he just yelled at me, beat me, raped me,__ killed me. An unfamiliar ache arose, one that I didn't especially like. I didn't want to believe that I felt in such a lowly way for him, __never… I knew I truly loved Orochimaru deep down… __Very deep down… But that feeling was so out of reach, blinded by a temporary, obsessive infatuation, that I was not sure if I could grasp it in time._

_"You will be my downfall," He whispered assuringly, as his expression softened, reaching up to caress my cheek. I could see it in his eyes, as if they were the mirror to his thoughts and feelings. Those golden orbs, they reflected grief, despair,__ hurt._

* * *

He was a cruel, heartless beast with a selfish ambition. It was not like him to have felt so stricken by something as insignificant as love. I hindered him from reaching it, disrupting what was of his nature. He stooped so low from where he stood, just to give himself unto me. Yet I still failed to see beyond that physical desire. Thinking back to this, I feel like I am still no more than that foolish 14 year old girl who rejected him so long ago because of a mere difference in age, and got laid brutally as a consequence.

* * *

_"And I would willingly surrender you my victory." He finished, kissing softly; his lips stayed on mine for a passionately, yet what I thought was an achingly long time.  
_

* * *

It was only once; maybe twice in a lifetime I had heard Orochimaru speak to me in such a manner. It must have pained so much for him to condescend from his demanding, ruthless self to be weak, _to love_. He put his pride, his own desires at stake, just for me. Even though he hid his pain well, giving me what was sure to please me, I know now, when it's too late, that all he ever wanted was his feelings for me returned in the same way.

If only I was stricken on how he felt right at that instant, then things would have ended up differently.

If only I had maybe thought back to that night when he made predictions of his own death while on the verge of piercing his chest, the chest on which I so wanted to make love on that same night, then he would still be alive today.

And I would be spared of this... nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

* * *

_I didn't know how to feel afterward. I suppose I should have felt somewhat motivated to do something to order to distract the indelible guilt that was fogging my mind. It was kept from its normal, everyday thought pattern, preventing me from concentrating on my numerous duties without pausing suddenly, to let my mind's eye replay that scene. It was terrible, though not as terrible as after losing him completely. But nevertheless, terrible.  
_

_The fact that he hasn't visited for many weeks even augments that guilt. I find myself thinking about him more than ever, so that at least his presence can be imprinted in my mind, if not entwined with my body. Apart from re-savouring the previous epic bedroom affairs in my mind in solitude, I mentally and figuratively undid his screws, loosened his bolts, and took him apart, if you would.  
_

_But, no matter how I perceive him, what his ambitions are, what he truly wants from me, those last words he said before leaving me were just so… I haven't even the level of vocabulary to place a word on it. _

_It was most awkward moment of my life, in which he had never been so out of character before. It was just so mismatched in so many ways that I still feel sickened to my stomach whenever I think back to it.  
_

_His eyes that usually mirrored mockery and sarcasm, looked of bitter envy at the thought of me married. It is not of his nature to do nothing about something he wanted, but stand aside spitefully. He gets what he wants, usually.  
_

_His tone, which reflects his gaze, also softened. It hinted of this newer, much weaker dimension of him that I didn't know existed. Not only did he show jealousy, but he also made obvious of his dependence on me. It took me aback; Orochimaru never needed anyone but himself... _

"You never felt anything for me beyond that want."

_ I know that he probably only changed for that little moment, but it scares me, that it will lead to a revolution of the wrong direction in bed. Which is, of** all** things, the most of my worries. _

_Well, it's not that he's going to come here anymore; it's been weeks…_

_Perhaps, I told myself comfortingly, it's just temporary. He was just caught up in the moment is all. Orochimaru has always been the more assertive one between us, because arrogance is of his nature. There is no way for that to change overnight. _

* * *

_Maybe how I feel for him is wrong…_

_I told myself the same thing years ago, but in a different tone, for different reasons. I feel I am finally beyond that ignorant self who thought it was wrong just because he was of a different status- a mere physical incompetence. But now, rethinking what was thought a long time ago, I now have this morbid thirst for his presence. Though it contradicts to how I felt in my younger years, it is even more dangerous. I am in such needing of him constantly, that I was unable to take notice that it is poisoning me as well. But I just can't stop. This voracious lust is going bite back at me soon enough, ridding me of my social status, and even worse, my sanity. _

_I am so selfish for feeling this way for him. The way I see it, as long as he climbs on my bed, and gives me his sweet candy, I can care less about anything else. _

_ I suppose I have been just too occupied with my own libido to care about whether he feels in that same infatuated way.  
_

"It's okay if he's a mass murderer and is of mortal danger to Konoha, feels otherwise for me, and is old enough to be my father, as long he is good looking and is able to pin me to the wall, giving me what I want…"

_Maybe he **needed **me to feel otherwise for him..._

_And now that he's gone, leaving me with this unbearable, empty, loneliness, I am in question of whether my mental disorientation is a temporary withdrawal from addiction, or... something else._

_Oh, the confusion.  
_

* * *

_The confusion soon subsided when I heard about the deaths of my three closest friends. Every single one of them- The friends that I grew up beside, spent countless nights drinking and partying with, the friends that I would tell everything to,** dead**… They were sent on a mission to retrieve an item from the Sound Village, and could not come back alive. It was supposed to be a danger-free mission, for the most part. And yet… _

_All that remained in me was fury, sheer fury._

_That was what angered my even further was that __Orochimaru knew of my friendship with those people. If that ruthless bastard had the minimal amount of feelings for me, he would at least spare their lives. He must have killed them because he thought work was more important than my friendship, than me. Then who was I to him? I needed an answer, like how the Sahara needed rain, and my immediate thought was to leave in the middle of the night to find him. This time, lust wasn't my impulse, instead, bitter rage. _

_The fact that I have been running for a day isn't doing my sore legs well, but that is the least of my worries. Standing at the front of those menacing gates, I mused back to how I felt when first I stood here only months ago. I was scared, nervous, and wanted to run away. No longer in fear, I gathered all the chakra that I could possibly coagulate into my fists and gave the metal bars a desperate strike. It shattered instantly with a loud enough clang to have alarmed the whole village. Two guards appeared out of the dusty ruins to attack and stopped upon realizing whom they are about to hit. Me. His mistress. I emerged with a not so valiant victory, but advanced on, expecting Orochimaru to come to me soon… That thought itself already gave this wet sensation between my thighs, for which I scolded myself. My body wasn't heeding to the conditions of my mind. _

_After climbing up numerous stairs and killing servants, I finally found him in the study tending paperwork. He seemed immune to what had happened. As I began making my way towards his serene figure, he stood up and faced me. He was stoic, as usual, with no readable expression on his beautiful face. _

_I could hear heated blood pounding in my ears. "My friends did nothing to you," I started, running up to him, clutching his robe collar, "Why the hell did you kill them?" Though we both know that seeking vengeance is not the main purpose of my visit.  
_

_He said softly, but dangerously, his eyes darting to meet mine, "You're so pathetic, Anko. Don't think that I'm going to not perform such a task just because you disapprove."_

_I couldn't think of how to counter his words, as not much prior planning had been put into this visit. _

_He is able to make me feel even more forlorn and helpless when angered, by his unusual reactions to my anger. That angers me like nothing else. _

_All I can think about is to claw him, beat him, sever him into pieces, despite our past… How I hate him for making my life filled with disappointment, that all we can ever have are the stolen moments inside the shadows of street corners at the dead of night, that we can never hold hands or share kisses in front of the public. I want him for every minute of my existence. If he is not mine, then I will make sure, upon my death, that he does not belong to anyone, anything else.  
_

_"Why did you have to leave me and go off to become an outlaw?" I bawled, blinded by fury and tears, as I banged my fists hopelessly on his chest, "If you stayed, we'd actually have a normal life together!"_

_"I hate you Orochimaru." I spat, "Hate you, hate you, hate you."_

_He chuckled darkly, resurrecting his classic smirk, "I am standing right here, little fool. Come, do something…"_

_Without much thinking, I immediately seized a knife, and tackled him to the wall with all the strength I could, as the bookshelf behind him demolished due to the force. To my surprise, he didn't fight back, or even resist. The fact that he didn't wince, not even a bit, in fright, and is still keeping that arrogant grin fueled me to further advance on my impulse. _

_Before the knife even made contact with his neck, before the sharp edge dared to disrupt the flow of the delicate locks of hair, I felt a cold hand cease my wrist from its intention. His grip was so firm, as if to stop my arteries from flowing, and folded my arm back swiftly into such a painful position that my sockets were not made to handle. I cried in agony, as my whole body began shaking like fragile glassware in pain.  
_

* * *

_He's had me again. Even after those sweet nights, he goes back to torture mode as if nothing has ever happened between us…_

_I still don't want him to lessen his affliction on me, however. "At least," I thought, trying to comfort myself, "He actually bothers to lift his graceful hands to perform an action for my sake, with or without an intent to inflict pain." At least, I am worth his time, unlike all the others he cast away. Painful attention is better than no attention at all._

_I stared down at my two worthless feet that have brought me here, because I haven't the stomach to look up at his eyes. They are for sure are not going to look anymore of love, or even lust. I begin to wish that his "awkward moment" would replay itself to save me from this. Or, I can just stand here, and not face him forevermore. _

_"How about we start acknowledging our position?" He hissed suddenly, which sounded more like an explosion against the silence. He jerked my head up against the wall with two biting fingers clutched threateningly around my neck. My arm still throbs.  
_

_I whimpered some incomprehensible phrase that even I had trouble understanding. _

_"You, Anko, are my property." He whispered, his coarse voice was like daggers against my ears, "And you are not to challenge your place."_

_I nodded barely. _

_"I'm not surrendering yet," He added softly as an afterthought that sounded more directed to himself, but was (maybe accidentally?) loud enough for me to hear. He gave me a thrust-like push __towards the door__, one temperate enough to not make me lose balance, "You may go now."_

_I feel the distance stretch between us more than ever before, as he turned his back to me without even a kiss. The physical inertia of my body was to keep on moving, my mind feeling even more shame, though not as angry, as I did a few minutes ago.  
_

* * *

Well, thanks for reading, and I hope you have enjoyed it! I will get a new chapter soon. I have changed my plans, this is going to have two more chapters, then a sequel. **PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW. PLEASE REVIEW.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

* * *

My eyes turned drowsily toward the bedside table where a half-finished flask of Vodka stood lonely beside my alarm clock. Mouth agape, eyelids half-closed, I reached over and choked my fingers around the neck of the bottle. Rearranging my fingers to make sure the glass didn't slip from my grasp, I took a large gulp. The fiery liquid shot down my throat and into my black hole of a stomach. I gave a coarse cough from the alcohol burn.

I am now but a relic of my former self, my physicality fading into the thin air around me, my cells dissolving into the atmosphere. Looking into the mirror, I see nothing more than a skeleton staring back at me from those hollow depths where my eyes had once been. His death has cursed me, to die rotting from the inside out, as now I am deprived of him, of the very drug that had kept me alive. After my death, in order to bring peace to whatever is left of me, I will be forced to chase across heaven and through hell to find him, just to have him torment me for the rest of eternity. This is what will happen; my own cruel destiny has already been paved. Now what remains of my body is making a futile attempt to combat death by drinking- to use its shock value to defibrillate a deadened heart.

Oh yes, just a tip about drinking- Get _completely_ drunk. Never just stop when you are dozing around the half-way point, because when one is in that weakened state, they are more prone to pain, while defenseless against attack. Then, perchance the Tormentor whom you dread may take that chance to his liking…

* * *

_My habit did not develop just recently- I have always had the problem. About a couple of days after my visit with Orochimaru, my friends and I decided to go clubbing at this new place downtown. Iruka refused to come, as he never really was the one to party. It was about 11 o' clock at night, and we were walking down a lengthy alleyway, lit only by the neon signs of bars and bistros that opened late. Our destination laid at the end of it. I felt cold and lethargic under scanty clothing, and had to rely on holding hands with the others to even walk onwards. But the stale scent of a chilled night intertwining with spicy tingles of cigarette smoke, the smell of a night that is alive, beguiled me into wanting to do nothing but get wasted._

_As we walked closer, I could hear with even more clarity the power chords, singing of the vocalist, laughs and screams of the adrenalized crowd... Unconsciously, my legs picked up pace, as if I was being pulled by a magnet. I couldn't wait to lose my sobriety to the pounding music, the steamy ambiance, and maybe a stranger's mouth. I wanted to be tangled in the chaos, so that I could be untangled from… __**his**__ ghostly figure_

* * *

_I am advancing onto my sixth bottle of beer. Just a couple more, and I will be in the state of mind that I longed for. Taking a large gulp out of the new bottle, I returned to the tongue-wrestling match to some sweaty random person moaning under me. Rubbing my pelvis against him, I ripened the bulge in his pants that had been swelling beneath me. My knees scraped against the hard floor, as I began too grind with more intensity. Just when I was about to blindly reach a shaking palm to grab my drink that sat some distance away, I felt a wide-set hand touch my chest. I gasped, seeing my partner's lips move. I couldn't make out what he was saying, or what he was trying to mouth for that matter, courtesy to the many drinks I had and the loud music booming in the background. _

_Then, I felt the strain of my bodice loosen, as something dived in attempt to grab whatever was inside. Shocked, I gathered all the strength that I could concentrate in my drunken fist and socked it at what I believed was his face. _

"_Leave me alone," I grunted bluntly, running some other direction with the undone top hanging open. __Stupid men these days._

_Boom._

* * *

_Having ran straight into a wall, I fell down in a corner, panting. I needed break before devouring more drinks and locating the others. _

_After a while, my heart settled down, along with my breathing rate. The mental fog that had been obstructing my sanity cleared away somewhat, and I began to feel... lonely. I shouldn't be sitting away from the crowd during a party. That was when suddenly, a figure appeared in front of me. I couldn't make out its details, as the dark attire that clothed it blended so well with the surroundings. Then, I felt as if I had been picked up by two arms, and became trapped in its freezing coil. I squirmed frantically to escape, only to have the Devil's Snare tighten its hold, suffocating me. _

"_Put me down!" I shrieked, at first thinking he was the same guy that I was just with. _

_As he bent down to loom his face over mine, his long hair acted as a curtain, veiling any source of light that could have maybe shined through so I could see who he was. I shuddered being under pure darkness, but that was all before the frigid exhale of his essence made contact with my neck, leaving even more goosebumps along its trail. Despite the loud music and my intoxicated self, a faint hiss crept into my ear canal unhindered. I wasn't explicitly aware of what he said, but I knew for sure this person wasn't who I thought at first.  
_

_When I could eventually see again, I was being carried off hopelessly by him into the moonlit night.  
_

* * *

_I woke up from the impact of being worthlessly tossed onto something soft. Stroking my hand on the slippery material beneath me that felt like bedsheets, I took a deep breath of relief- maybe that person took me home. My comfort to self was interrupted when the figure, tall and intimidating, strode slowly towards where I was. Nervous, I tried to crab walk away from him, afraid that he might harm me in my most fragile state. With a thud, I hit the back wall. The moonlight showered over his features that I still failed to make out with much detail. But the way he floated toward his destination, with the veil of long hair cascading down his shoulders in flawless elegance, made obvious of the fact that this beautiful creature __**must**__ be harmless, or at least seemed so. Even I, being as drunk as I was, was able to take note of that. _

_Seconds later, I felt him tower over me commandingly, as if to declare his dominance. Confused with what he was going to do, my eyes stayed fixed at this statuesque being at a level which I thought was his gaze. Though it wasn't bright enough to tell, I that knew his eyes were darting with intensity, that he didn't actually have... wholesome motives. We only met for merely a few seconds however, as my focus faltered due to a sudden pain in the temple. I whimpered, clutching my head for dear life, and gave in to unconsciousness once more. _

* * *

_It has suddenly become so cold. _

_I tried to close my limbs around my body, but failed to do so due to them being tied onto some obstruction that I had no strength left to overcome. My skin felt frozen against the material that never loosened no matter how much I shook, and gradually became bone-crushingly tight. I grunted in frustration, to have my headache suddenly give another clench. The grunts, however, turned into a single shriek, as something that felt like ice made contact with the side of my neck. It trailed down to my chest slowly, and painfully, and finally down to my hip. It freely violated my warmth, as if the clothes I knew I wore weren't there at all. Another joined in, this time bringing its chill downwards, frostbiting the all the pain-prone areas of my thighs that it could possibly find. I gasped. Tears rolled down my eyes from his insufferable torture. But it seemed like the more resistance I gave, the harsher his temperament became. Mere stroking grew to pinching, slapping, clawing, and eventually, my whole body was being crushed by hypothermia.  
_

_I was frozen, both inside and out. I couldn't move, whimper, breathe, or even think, at least about nothing but the pain. A masterful laughter rang from what sounded like quite a distance away, or maybe somewhere close?_

_My mind was too impaired to realize anything. _

_Just when I thought it was over, out came this sudden stabbing ache from the pit of my stomach. I roared, rejuvenating my collapsed lungs at such a fast rate that it gave dry coughs. Another stab came, then another, then another, each one came more suddenly than its predecessor. I felt the poignant, rigid blade tear my flesh, as screams butchered my dry throat. What felt like blood came gushing out the wounded orifice and rushed its way down my body like a mad river. My ribcage hurt from an over-accelerated heart pumping to break free. I yelled, begged, pleaded him to stop, but to no avail. Each and every stab felt deeper and more painful than the last. Each and every breath I took became more exhausting... _

* * *

I cannot not forget, even today, no matter how many times I get drunk, of the torture chamber's sullen atmosphere, the silky bedsheets, the chains, the ice, the knife- every vivid detail of that incident. It haunts me like a vengeful phantom waiting to strike. Waiting for the prime time to float onto the surface of my memory again and again…

* * *

_Just when I became drawn into the momentum, the once bone-chilling knife suddenly became warm, no, a blistering-hot piece of iron whose core exploded throughout my body. I writhed and quivered, tried to get away, couldn't because it was already inside of me. I couldn't help but allow the heat to consume me. All the life I had was wiped away, leaving me feeling as worthless as a pile of ashes. _

_I opened my arid windpipe to give one last bawl of defeat, but failed- the fire obliterated my voice as well._

_I elevated my glance to meet my demon, the lava lingered between my legs as an aftermath. But he looked so innocent, staring off into the crystalline nightfall. The breeze blew his long hair back, leaving me to regard upon his bare neckline. The clarity of my eyesight still had much to be desired, but did not fail to give me a clear impression of his poised, almost ethereal aura._

* * *

"_What was he to you?_" was the first thing that Iruka said commandingly, after coming into our room, threw the last of my drink against the wall, and dropped thunderously beside me. His harsh actions and tone are so unlike him that I wonder if it is my husband who has just spoken.

It took a while for me to register the fact that he meant… _him_.

Before I looked up at him, about to open my mouth to answer, he butted in. "Tell me, Anko," he hissed, grabbing my shirt collar to speak in front of my face, "Is he really worth breaking yourself over?"

The lack of confidence in his words sounded as if he really didn't mean what he said, but only desperately wanted to pay attention to him. I know him too well to actually take this seriously.

"Yes," I answered curtly, just to see what he will do.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened them after a few seconds and spoke again with a faked calm voice, "And he was more than just your sensei?"

"Yes," I said once more, too drunk to care about anything else.

He immediately gave a frustrated growl; I jumped back, a little more aware now. Without warning, he smacked me across the cheek.

It stings, in every way possible… He has just stolen away the little amount of mental stability I have left to barely sustain myself, to barely cling onto in order to keep my mind from becoming demented. It hurts, it hurts so much. _How dare that son of a bitch degrade me like that?_

I felt myself erupt, spitting out everything that has been churning inside of me for weeks now. Anger, hatred, frustration, remorse, hopelessness, as if they just spontaneously generated from a soul that previously felt, and _was_ nothing at all. I threw myself onto him. With nothing to hold me back, I punched him, kicked him, clawed him. I have become all but an incarnate of this unleashed beast that Orochimaru placed within me upon his death.

* * *

Slowly, as little specks of sanity gradually returned, I collapsed into a sob, rolling away from where Iruka's beaten body lay.

I shattered him. First his pride, by being unfaithful, then his feelings, by lying to and rejecting him, and now…

I am bound to him in matrimony, yet marriage is such a vacuous link if one doesn't feel devoted internally. It was my impulsiveness that sank him into the deep. He shouldn't have married me, this worthless slut. I hate myself, for everything that has happened. I don't know why, but I just do…

* * *

"Anko?" Iruka's voice came, what felt like centuries later, "I-I'm sorry," He sniveled, as I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, "I j-just love you so much."

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW**. I really mean it, what do you think? Just one more chapter, and this will all be over, and I hope you will continue to stay with me till then.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

* * *

Iruka left, with a click of our bedroom door.

The truth has finally dawned upon me.

I want it to end, all of it. The torment, the nightmares, remorse, insanity. Everything...

"_Come to me, my sweet."_

And I will join you, soon enough. After all, it can't possibly hurt that much more- just the phantom kiss of a razorblade, a couple pinches of pills...

No one can resist Death's sweet seduction, especially if one is standing on the very aphelion from hope.

* * *

Hark! Its alluring call. Shrieking like a driven whore, waiting to hungrily consume her lust, yet singing like a sirene, pulling its victim into willingly stepping towards their demise.

And what is that coming towards me? I cannot make it out with much detail, but the metallic sheath of the blade it is holding shines with malice, even through the dank, thick fog. Its curvature is like that of a scythe... and that can only mean one thing- Death is coming.

It is looming closer now, that I can see its torn robes, and a stark-white, skeletal hand that grips its blade, threatening to kill. The scent of fleshy decay that is pervading from a pitch black orifice underneath red slits for eyes makes breathing near impossible.

_Never mind, I don't want to die! I'm too scared..._

I closed my eyes, in fear, silently hoping someone would get me out of this. Even if they wouldn't, I hoped that I won't have to witness my perish.

Wait, what is hope?

When I opened my eyes, eventually, I found that I wasn't dead, but was founding myself getting impossibly... close with this thing. I had my arms wrapped around its hooded neck, and was leaning my chest forward, my body composed into a rather suggestive position. I screamed inside that I shouldn't be doing this, yet couldn't stop as it felt like I was being driven by this invisible, unknown force. One hand snaked up to trace its mutilated face, as the other undid its hood, exposing a disheveled head of rough hair that I found my uncontrollable fingers raking ever so idly. My heart was pounding in fright, afraid of what would happen if the erotic inducement that that I guess was supposed to save my life actually worsens the situation. My hips danced back and forth against its hollow body, as it dropped the scythe to crawl its gaunt fingers upon me like a spider. Those hands felt like sandpaper, and cragged nails dug into my back. I fought very hard to swallow the vomit that arose in my throat. I couldn't stop, or escape, because I was like a marionette- my every move controlled by this mysterious puppeteer.

"You are not going to take me yet, are you?" I purred lasciviously, tipping its grubby chin as I leaned over to meet its gaze, "What, I'm not worth the wait?"

* * *

And it was all over.

Regaining consciousness, I managed to move an arm with my own might and saw that I was no longer possessed. Relieved, but still panting heavily, I recalled the most horrifying nightmare I have ever had. What made it so is that it was too realistic- the sirene's singsong, the bestial whore, the reaper, everything. I remember so vividly of being scared out of my mind. Looking at such a monster was nightmarish enough, let alone being forced to seduce it.

I don't want to die anymore, if the experience of it is going to be that frightening.

But then again, I suppose Death is no longer of worthy of taking me, as I have transcended its ultimate seduction. I am now something greater, or worse, than It...

* * *

_All the senses I had were replaced with fear and paranoia after I sobered up, and reinterpreted what happened the night before with a sane mind. The echoes of that possessive laughter rang through my head, like a broken record, until my migraine became unbearable. The trails of where those icy fingernails clawed me burned like a relentless fire, leaving me to feel helplessly naked, still. _

_He could be anywhere, lurking in the shadows, watching me with those thirsty eyes, waiting to strike again. To rob me of my pride as he would break me like a rag doll, hit me like a disobedient slave, and torment every last fibre of my being until I'd be my knees, begging for mercy._

_I found it hard to perform my duties during the day, and to keep my eyes shut at night. I was fiendishly, insanely frightened. I would curl up alone in the darkness, scared of breathing, or even moving an inch, paranoid of every second that the clock ticked by as a possible time for him to leap out of the shadows. So, one night, when the self was at the breaking point of restlessness, I decided to take a walk. A wrong decision, however._

_"If I didn't feel safe in the comfort of my own home, what made it even more safe to be walking down the abandoned streets of town at the dead of night?" It didn't make sense to me, but then again, nothing did. _

_With no stars and no moon, staring up at the pitch black sky was like meeting my mortal doom. A sudden harsh gust of wind disrupted my delight of the crisp, refreshing air as I walked into the forest. A sharp tree branch that the wind carried cut my face, though I at first thought it was... something else. I kept on walking nervously; a small seed of disturbance was planted inside of me.  
_

_But the seed grew every time I heard something move in the bush, or a rustle of tree leaves, a raven cackling in the distance, or anything else that disrupted the tranquility. Mere strolling became running, and eventually I was sprinting at such a fast pace that I feared my legs might shatter. _

_All of that stopped when I felt something obstruct my foot's progression, thus losing balance. My whole body slammed on to the ground, as sharp sticks and rocks on its uneven surface stabbed me. I cursed under my breath, and wiped myself clean with bloody palms, wanting to go home. _

_But I wished I hadn't looked up..._

_Those demonic, acid-yellow eyes, emitting the petrifying gaze that told me I might as well strip naked and buckle my knees down right then and there. _

_I couldn't move, or avert my thoughts into thinking about anything else other than who was standing in front of me. I felt weak, as if I was being liquidated into the acid yellow, yet was as stiff as stone from the fear that that he might hurt me again. Orochimaru's figure held that same ethereal demeanor I had unmistakably perceived through drunken eyelids. I knew what he was about to do. Again.  
_

_Without words, he grabbed the collar of my shirt, jerked my jacket off, and pulled me close to completely hook me once again into the lure of those mesmerizing, greedy orbs, that sweet scent of his hair, the sensation of the chilly, but nevertheless temperate hand trailing up my neck to undo the elastic that held my hair together. It's all happened to me before, but never did he tempt me this effortlessly, as I would always make some sort of struggle. Perhaps fear had dissolved my might to stand up for myself, or maybe Orochimaru hadn't shown the full extent of his seducing abilities. Either way, it proved to be highly successful. Before realizing that I was supposed to be scared of him, I found my fingers curiously crawling upon the small of his back, like an arachnid exploring new, yet familiar grounds. _

"_I know you still want me," He whispered salaciously, my skin tingled at his raw breath.  
_

"_N-no I don't," I heard myself mumble. I took my hands off and stepped back, away from him, just to reach a dead end of a tree. I fell on the uneven ground. _

"_Yes you do." He stated simply yet arrogantly, walking up to me,"I can make you wet yourself in desire." _

_He bent down, peeling off the only thin barrier between me and those eager hands. He dug his razor-sharp nails into my arm, drawing out little sanguine beads, as the other plunged into my bosom, squeezing one with such an uncanny force, as if wanting to disintegrate it. My heart pounded against its ribcage, breathing heavier and heavier air with every inhale until I felt lightheaded and wanted to faint. But Orochimaru wasn't ready for me to collapse just yet, as he shoved me deeper into the tree. Its coarse bark pressed into my bare back, lighting up my numbed mind immediately to the new source of shock. He added his mouth into the mix, teasing the tip of my chest with a wet tongue and finally delving in with his teeth. It hurt so much, yet felt orgasmically good. _

_Not even giving me a chance to settle, his hands aimed for a new target. Abandoning my ruined chest, they progressed downwards to clutch my legs like two pincers, and ripped them open in such a violent way that I shrieked- mainly from the exposure. Undoing and tearing away all obstructions, his lips twisted into a lewd smile as he found the new little soft plaything._

_I felt like I've just been set on fire. Every last cell in my body squealed in pleasure, as every finger flick he gave fueled the flagrant flame from a whimsical sparkle into an infernal monster. When I could not possibly contain myself anymore, I lunged forward into his arms with the strength I didn't know where my weakened self could have acquired. It threw both of us onto the ground, where I was mounted on top of him, looking into his expectant, though calm eyes, panting haggardly from the ecstasy._

"_More," I growled inadvertently, the demon within me agreed with zeal. _

"_You liked that, didn't you?" His cool voice asked, as I recovered slowly from spinning in a trance  
_

"_No..." I whimpered nervously, looking away, embarrassed. I immediately slid off of him and looked around to find my jacket. Though every other part of my body except my voice were screaming the exact opposite answer. _

"_No?" He repeated, sounding falsely perplexed, when I was just about to walk to my destination. _

_I felt something snake around my waist gently, stopping me, as his words slithered into my ear, "I can very well break you again, if that is what you'd like." _

"_I wouldn't like that." I said quickly, twisting my neck in the other direction, wanting my sight to be a little less yellow. _

"_Yes you would," His tone suddenly harshened without warning, abandoning the previous gentle purrs. His true nature unveiled through those words. Then came a force from my behind that drove me front first viciously back into that same tree. I tried to scream for help, but found that my screams were muffled with a cold hand slapped upon my mouth. _

"_Look at me, you whore." He hissed, wrenching my shoulders around so that I am face to face with this beast that I was afraid to accept was Orochimaru. _

_He wasn't smiling anymore, nor did he look mad. He never looked mad, but would always stay still when I expected him to. Though I would have thought he looked like a refined marble statue, if it wasn't for this intense, vehement gaze emitting from his eyes. I would have died right there, if glares were meant to hold such a power. With no strength left to open my mouth, I let him continue with things. _

_He drew me into his arms, and vainly folded them to make a fragile enclosure. I could liberally escape, but he, and I, was sure that for my life and lust's sake, I wouldn't. His neck loomed over, perching gently on my already injured shoulder. I wondered why he would do that after such an episode. _

"_You will one day get on those wobbly little knees and beseech me to give you the minimal amount of attention that you do not deserve." He whispered hoarsely into my ear, though his tone was a little more gentle than before.  
_

"_I don't need you to give me anything," I spoke coldly, somehow no longer afraid of him. _

"_Oh?" He questioned naively, "Standing up to me now? What a surprise, coming from a little bitch that was just imploring me to lavish my affection on her..."_

"_More, more," he mocked, in an attempt to imitate my voice. _

_I clenched my fists, feeling hazardous anger beginning to stir in my womb. Then it suddenly ignited, as I made no attempt to restrain it, and immediately set ablaze every last bit of equanimity I had. I knew I must defend my pride this time, at all costs, though he would always manage to degrade it effortlessly.  
_

"_You know what?" I started, some time later. _

"_Well, I do know everything except why you must foolishly fall into your own trap every time..." He answered delicately, pulling me closer to him like a lover would. But I no longer was in the mood for faked sweetness. _

_

* * *

_

_God I hate him so much._

_I hate how he always would make me seem like a pathetic weakling. _

_I hate how he loves to see me in pain. _

_I hate how he can easily control me to do his bidding, and that I can't stand up to him. _

_I hate how he would make me feel so miserable under his sadism, whilst he would cackle until his heart's content at the laughing stalk I was. _

_And most of all, I hate myself for having this preposterous, yet unconditional lust for this son of a bitch. I relished in his sensual treats, yet somewhere deep inside moaned even louder in delight when he would make me suffer.  
_

_He has turned me into a pitiful masochist, whom even I despise. There is no status lower and more deplorable than having to beg to be hurt. I have become exactly that.  
_

_

* * *

_

"_I hate you." I told him, growling through painful clenched teeth. I shrugged off his embrace stubbornly, and blood gushed out from where I dug my angry nails into my palms. The overwhelming silence after my declaration made it possible to even hear the pitter-patter of the crimson liquid dripping maliciously onto the ground. _

_An amused, though heartless laughter he eventually gave shattered the quietude that was building much of a pandemoniac rampage inside of me. My head shot up just to see that grin creeping on his face once more. _

"_I mean it," I whispered spitefully, trying to furrow my brows as much as possible to make me seem serious, "I will kill you someday, to avenge the utter embarrassment you have cursed upon me."_

_It somewhat worked, at least the his sneering subsided, replaced by a strangely void and deadened countenance. _

"_Very well," he finally stated monotonously, "In that case, Konoha won't be standing on its feet for much longer." Though his tone lost its ardour, I heard him very clearly.  
_

"_What did you say?" I shouted, for confirmation. But, I was already talking to his back facing me. _

_He turned around, and gave a cold chuckle, "I had really loved you." He said nonchalantly, as if he didn't mean anything at all. _

_And I watched his graceful figure disappear into the darkness. _

_Those were the last words he ever said to me. _

_

* * *

_

_His army attacked early next day, before I even had a chance to warn the authority about what Orochimaru had foretold. Their clash upon the village was successful, as the element of surprise was on their side. We fought bravely, but stood little to no chance against their merciless ways. They did almost anything possible that would have aided them in grasping a quick victory. Cannons bombarded what used to be a peaceful settlement, and the ground was littered with maimed bodies, discarded weapons and... blood-_

_Blood flowing out as streams from their dead or dying hosts, into wider, vast rivers, until it eventually filled every last cavity on the ground, so that Konoha became one roaring crimson sea. Its smell was nauseating, and the monstrous cannon explosions brutally raped my poor eardrums.__ "Our village is going to fall anyways," I thought, "So there is no point for me to join in the chaos." For some strange reason, I just didn't feel as patriotic as I once did. _

_Besides, I had other affairs that needed to be taken care of. _

_"I will only take one life today."_

_

* * *

_

_Driven by hate, invigorated by fury, I shot through the mess like a fiery bullet upon rethinking of the agony he had afflicted upon me. I was ambitious to find Orochimaru, to sever him limb from limb, to make him bleed for me, for once. I couldn't see where I was going, or if I gained any injuries from the sharp objects splattered across every last corner of the field. All of those shameful times when he humiliated and tormented me flashed before my eyes, blinding me. Despite the thunderous clamour of pure destruction on the most massive scale, all I could hear were his laughter, his taunts, and those cloyingly sweet words that lured me like a naïve lamb into a wolf's hunger. _

_I just kept on going, bullheadedly ignoring my aching stomach, as a side effect from the adrenaline and rage. I did not allow it to heave down the momentum of my legs pumping up and down at breakneck speed. I didn't care that by doing this was like jerking my jacket open and making my heart an easy target for the other enemies, as I had my own to demolish. _

_I ran until I could run no more, due to a sudden stabbing pain erupting from one of my legs. I sat down immediately, on the wet ground, to observe. Giving a grunt of frustration, I jerked the mysterious knife out as blood spat out and onto my face like a fountain. My chest hurt even more than my leg, from the inability to match the impulsive speed in which I was traveling. It felt like being under the pressure of a meat grinder- I couldn't breathe, as if there wasn't even enough room in my ribcage to sustain the size of my organs, let alone spacious air. My brain became lethargic because of that, and so did the rest of me. _

_Just when I lost hope in ever finding Orochimaru, a pair of slim legs appeared before me, blocking my sight. My heart managed to tackle open its jail cell of a ribcage in sudden agitation of who this person might be, as my mind immediately resurfaced from the swamp. Being barely able to do so, I managed to look up and was confirmed that it was indeed... him. There was no mistaking that manipulative smirk, the elegantly-kempt tresses of hair, and the eyes that could pry into one's most unfathomable ocean of thoughts, leaving them exposed and violated.  
_

_I could have been hypnotised, but not this time. Closing my fingers around that knife that was previously lodged inside my leg, I stood up and my eyes found it a new aim- him. It didn't matter what part of his flawless body it penetrated, as my mind was not lucid enough to process such things as precision. _

_Gathering all the strength I could muster, I dashed forward, and threw my arm (along with the knife) towards what I believed was his figure, desperately hoping that it would result in at least one little cut. _

_But, like the numerous fights we had previously taken part in, he dodged, though this time with a strange new agility. Consequently, my body was thrown almost to the point where I lost balance. Regaining stance, I readied myself for another hopeless attempt. I wasn't even sure whether my desire of wanting him dead was truly sincere, as me heart softened once again seeing his beguiling charm. __Thankfully, there was no way I could bring my person to kill him being in such an exhausted, blinded state._

_"I don't want to take his life, I just can't."_

_That puny thought, sadly, did not convince me as a whole. _

_I launched my weapon once more, but silently scolded myself before it even reached its impending destination about its bad angle. Maybe it was just my paranoia coming back, but much to my surprise, his reflexes used to dodge this strike seemed less sharp than before. The miss, therefore, managed to have been just one sliver not as far-fetched than the last. _

_Another stab came, and this time my knife crept a bit closer. Then another, and another, as his urge and want to escape my attacks deteriorated. The expressionless composure he held never faltered, even being stuck in a such tense situation with his army at war, plus having to deal with my multiple endeavours to slay him. He would have at least said something, but didn't. There wasn't one trace of fatigue on his face, as if everything, even his worsening movements, was well-tucked under control. I, on the other hand, was growing deathly tired. If the deed wasn't finished quick enough, I was afraid that I might collapse._

_But my weary body would not cooperate, as the attacks became more blunt. _

_He didn't seem one bit weakened, but I was more than ready to have my consciousness taken by the roaring cannons and deafening screams, the disgusting stench of blood and sulfur, the metallic clangs of metal meeting metal, and his phantom image standing as vexingly still as an alabaster statue right in front of me... _

I might as well just faint, and be devoured by the mayhem.

But no... Never again will my conscience ever bring myself to do this again, though I know I must seek vengeance. There is no better time than now!

_Forcing myself back on my feet with much effort and grabbing the dropped weapon, I threw it with all my might at what I believed was his heart. The blade shot out from my fingers, with the bitter hate I felt for Orochimaru embedded deeply in it. In an instant my soul was pried apart in two- one half cheering for it to penetrate its target, and the other praying that it would miss again, crying in regret that such an angelic creature should not be tainted by foul blood. _

_He stayed rigidly immobile with his eyes closed. His face was completely blank, with no sign of restlessness, or tensity written on the pallid, unwrinkled surface. Quiet and receptive, with an ebony veil of gentle hair as light as breath curtaining broad shoulders and a bosom, he was the very personification of Beauty, unrivaled by any other. It was imbrued, however, when the streams of sickening red spewed from where my knife pierced him squarely in the chest. No fuss, no struggle, he fell, like an angel, into the bloody ocean. Its hungry depths feasted upon his purity, his snow-white, making him no more than the lowly mortals whose lives were also drowned in oblivion. _

"I had really loved you."

"_What have I done?" I asked myself, and still do, to this day.  
_

* * *

No, he didn't, he never did, he wouldn't have. Not after what I did to him. It was all in my head. To hell with, "he still loves me till this day- 'till the last wisp of breath escaped from his lips!" Knowing his power-hungry, controlling, heartless self, there couldn't have been one ounce of possibility that he did, that he would have been capable of such an emotion. Yet I cannot determine with a mind that has not a modicum of reason why he allowed himself die in the hands of a powerless me. Though one thing is for sure, I don't deserve to live, as I am pathetic enough to kill the very thing that I lived for, yet am too scared to die after that... ordeal. The choice I must make between a desolate life, and horrible death is clawing, prying, wrenching me into pieces.

"She's in here," I heard Iruka say, but kept my eyes closed and pretended to sleep, not wanting to speak with him, with anyone. But he is not alone. Coming towards me are not only the lighter taps of his footsteps, as if he feels nervous and uncertain, but laden thumps made by another pair of heavier, more assured feet striding along the wooden floorboards.

"She won't remember anything," says another unknown voice, it had more of a guttural, growling quality to it, "As long as you are willing to keep her away from anything that may trigger these unwanted memories."

"Yes."

With a flash of light, I felt as if everything I ever acknowledged were being sucked from my ocean of thoughts, into this black hole. I tried to retrieve them by declaring mental battles to try and remember, to try and gather every speckle of memory that kept on escaping my desperate, but nevertheless feeble grasp. At first, I was able to retrieve bigger chunks of these random flashes of when I first met Orochimaru, of the countless nights I spent in his cradle, of when he died. Those were my only precious remnants of him, and my only last source of existence. I mentally held on to them for dear life, only to have them disintegrate into faint, scrawled embers, right in my very arms. When they eventually died as well, my heart did the same. All there was left was obscurity, anticipating to to consume my carrion remains. I anxiously tried to pry open my previously closed eyes with great effort until clenching pain arose, but to no avail. I desperately tried to reach my arms to explore my surroundings, only to lose balance as my whole body splattered on the ground. I forlornly tried to venture back hoping to recall at least one last speckle remaining from my evanesced memories, to find at least one minuscule source of light, of hope.

But I forgot...

how to remember...

Fin.

* * *

So, this is the end. Please, do congratulate me on my first finished fanfiction. I am very proud of this, though I did let slip many apparent mistakes throughout the work, and the last chapter was extremely difficult to write. I really have put my heart and soul into the story, and I hope it shows... The sequel will be posted soon, as soon as I finish writing it, that is. Yes, there is a continuation to this story, no matter how final the ending feels like.

I sincerely thank all my readers, who have helped me follow through with this. (Though I do lean towards some, more than others. :P You know who you are, I think.) I wish the interest will still be there when the sequel is published!

And lastly, **PLEASE REVIEW**. It's the last chance to speak your mind.

Cheers,

Rekkuza.


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